How to Heal From Childhood Bullying When You’re All Grown Up.

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In 2020, just before the pandemic hit, I embarked on a project that would ultimately change my life. I contacted dozens of women who had attended middle and high school with me — friends who had iced me out, friends who warmly welcomed me afterwards, acquaintances, “cool” girls, outcasts, “brains,” and bullies — and asked them to talk with me about their memories of the social milieu we inhabited during the 1970s.

Forty years after the bullying I experienced in middle school, I still carried vivid memories of that time along with lingering effects such as low self-esteem, social anxiety, and periods of depression. I hoped that revisiting those experiences with the people who had lived through them with me might help me finally understand what had happened and why.

The interviews with my former classmates were illuminating and, ultimately, healing.

Hearing my classmates’ perspectives helped me see those years with greater clarity, self-compassion and yes -- even empathy for the bullies that hurt me. The project allowed me to release much of the anger and resentment I had carried for decades, and many of the symptoms that had troubled me for years began to diminish.

As I continued researching the long-term effects of childhood bullying, I realized I wasn’t alone in carrying my wounds into adulthood. I discovered emerging research that validated my symptoms. Even more importantly, I learned that recovery was possible, even for individuals who weren’t interested in interviewing their bullies.

My studies eventually led me back to my original profession as a social worker and psychotherapist. I wanted to help others who struggle with the enduring impact of childhood bullying.

In the years since I first practiced psychotherapy, the field has developed many new approaches for helping people heal from trauma. Several of these therapies can be particularly helpful for adults suffering from what author and clinician Ellen Walser deLara calls “adult post-bullying syndrome.”

One widely used treatment is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), developed by Francine Shapiro. EMDR is based on the idea that traumatic experiences can become “stuck” in the brain in ways that continue to trigger distress long after the event itself has passed. During EMDR sessions, clients briefly focus on painful memories while following bilateral stimulation — often a therapist’s moving finger or lights that move back and forth. Over time, this process helps the brain reprocess the memory so that it loses much of its emotional intensity.

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) is another effective approach. Rooted in traditional cognitive behavioral therapy, TF-CBT helps clients examine the beliefs they formed about themselves during traumatic experiences. Someone who was bullied in childhood, for example, may carry deep shame about being victimized. Therapy can help that person reinterpret what happened and develop compassion, rather than blame for their younger self.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, developed by Richard C. Schwartz, offers another perspective. IFS proposes that the mind is composed of different “parts,” each with its own role. Some parts carry painful emotions such as shame or rejection, while others try to protect the person from those feelings through behaviors like perfectionism, people-pleasing, or withdrawal. IFS therapy helps individuals reconnect with their compassionate core — what Schwartz calls the Self — and create greater balance among these internal parts.

Attachment-focused therapies can also play an important role in recovery. These approaches recognize that early relationships shape our sense of safety, trust, and emotional regulation. Because bullying occurs within social relationships, it can disrupt a person’s ability to feel secure with others. In therapy, the consistent and supportive relationship between therapist and client can provide a corrective emotional experience that gradually rebuilds trust and self-worth.

Another emerging approach is Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, developed by Pat Ogden, which emphasizes the role of the body in trauma. Many survivors of childhood bullying notice that their bodies react to reminders of past experiences. They may feel tightness in the chest, stomach aches before social situations, or sudden tension when hearing laughter that echoes past ridicule. Sensorimotor therapy helps individuals become aware of these physical responses and develop new ways of calming the nervous system and restoring self-esteem.

While psychotherapy can be extremely helpful, healing from bullying does not occur only through psychotherapy. Many survivors find relief through alternative practices that allow them to process emotions, regulate their nervous systems, and develop greater self-compassion.

Mindfulness meditation, for example, has been shown to reduce anxiety and improve emotional regulation. By learning to observe thoughts and feelings without immediately reacting to them, individuals can create distance from painful memories and develop a greater sense of emotional stability.

Journaling is another powerful tool. Writing about difficult experiences allows people to organize their thoughts and emotions while gaining insight into patterns that may have shaped their lives. Research suggests that expressive writing can reduce stress and improve psychological well-being.

Support groups can also be valuable for bullying survivors. Many adults who were bullied as children carry a sense of isolation or shame. Hearing others describe similar experiences can be deeply validating and can help individuals recognize that they were not alone.

Practices that cultivate self-compassion are particularly important. Survivors of bullying often internalize the negative messages they receive from peers. This can lead to harsh self-criticism. Learning to treat oneself with kindness and understanding — much as one would treat a close friend — can gradually replace those internalized voices with a more supportive self-talk.

Physical practices such as yoga, breathwork, and other forms of mindful movement can also help release the lingering effects of trauma stored in the body. These activities promote relaxation, improve emotional regulation, and strengthen the connection between mind and body.

Taken together, these therapeutic approaches and self-care practices offer hope for adults who continue to struggle with the long-term effects of childhood bullying. While the memories themselves may never disappear entirely, healing is possible. With time, support, and the right tools, survivors can gradually let go of early experiences that have negatively impacted their lives and develop a greater sense of confidence, connection, and well-being.

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