Do you ever find yourself feeling nervous or self-conscious in social situations? You're not alone. Social anxiety, which I struggled with for many years, is a common issue for many people. It can manifest in various ways, from feeling anxious about meeting new people to worrying about saying the wrong thing in a group setting.
For those of us who have experienced it, we know it is more than just feeling shy or nervous in social situations. It's a persistent fear of being judged or embarrassed by others, which can cause physical symptoms like sweating, trembling, increased heart rate, or in severe cases, panic attacks.
Not too long ago, you would have found me either curled up in a ball of panic, anticipating going to a social event. Many times, I would not go to avoid the emotional fight or flight meltdown and upset stomach that seemed inevitable. However, now, almost nine years later, I can attend networking events without any hesitation (although I still dislike the process of getting ready). I can confidently speak in front of large audiences, participate in podcast interviews, and have even been interviewed on TV and other platforms without any nervousness or sweating.
The transition wasn't easy for me as I was still trying to figure out myself and didn't quite understand why I was experiencing intense anxiety around socializing. However, after introspection, it all made sense. I realized that I was carrying the trauma of my childhood.
As a young child, I was outgoing and always wanted to make friends, especially on vacations, since I was an only child. Unfortunately, as I got older and started school, my attempts at making friends became a source of bullying, which left a lasting impact on me. I developed a fear of rejection from others, and even though I was often well-received as a young adult, the fear and anxiety never left me.
I found that the best way to overcome the negative thoughts and beliefs from my past was to expose myself to social situations and see that the actual outcome was never as bad as my initial fear led me to believe. Each time, I would have to tell myself, "Remember last time? You had a good time once you got there and started speaking with people." Or, "The narrative in your head is just that, a narrative. Don't allow your thoughts to create something that isn't really a problem. Everything will be okay."
After slowly easing into social situations, despite the nerves and upset stomach, the sheer panic turned into manageable butterflies, which later diminished completely with time and positive reinforcement.
The last major thing I wanted to conquer was my fear of public speaking. So, I decided to join a Toastmasters group. I remember preparing for my first speech, the "Ice Breaker." I prepared and rehearsed for months. When the day came, I found myself with a dry mouth, a blank mind, and completely unable to move as I lost all train of thought within the first 30 seconds of my 4-6 minute speech. My worst fear had come true. And then, after it was all over, I thought, "My worst fear came true, and I survived! I SURVIVED!" At that moment, I realized that even when my worst fear came true, it wasn't that bad at the end. People didn't judge me; they supported me. I didn't die. I was okay. That was the most horrific and wonderful experience in dealing with my social anxiety.
I kept pushing myself out of my comfort zone, even though it was difficult. I realized I was letting my past experiences control me, which wasn't fair to me. I reminded myself that I have the power to shape my future, and as I gained more self-acceptance and confidence, I found that it didn't matter how others reacted to me. I knew that I would be okay.
The first step in overcoming social anxiety is understanding its origin. What is that for you?
For some of us, it may stem from our past experiences of rejection or criticism that have left us feeling insecure or unworthy. Others may overthink and catastrophize social situations, imagining the worst-case scenarios and creating unnecessary stress for themselves.
Developing awareness around your internal narratives vs. reality is crucial when dealing with social anxiety. Our minds distort the truth and magnify our fears to the point where they feel insurmountable. It's important to challenge these negative thoughts and remind ourselves that they are just that - thoughts, not facts. We can shift our mindset towards a healthier perspective by recognizing when we're engaging in negative self-talk and replacing it with more realistic and positive affirmations.
One trap to be wary of when dealing with social anxiety is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. This occurs when we expect things to go badly in social situations and inadvertently behave in ways that confirm our beliefs. For example, if you go into a party expecting no one to talk to you, you may unconsciously give off closed-off body language or avoid making eye contact with others - which then leads to fewer interactions overall. By being mindful of these patterns and actively working to break them, we can rewrite our narrative and create new outcomes.
So, how can we overcome social anxiety? There are several strategies that can help us navigate social situations more confidently:
Practice mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing or meditation to calm your nerves before entering a stressful situation.
Gradually expose yourself to feared situations through exposure therapy - start small and work your way up as you build confidence.
Challenge negative thoughts by asking yourself if any evidence supports them or if they're just assumptions based on past experiences.
Seek support from friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide guidance and encouragement as you work through your feelings.
By understanding the root causes of our fears and implementing practical strategies for managing them, we can learn to navigate social situations with greater ease and confidence.