Co-dependency is a common issue in relationships that is not talked about very often. Co-dependency happens when one person depends on another for their own sense of self-worth or purpose in life. It can lead to an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship that is very difficult to sustain. Identifying co-dependency in your relationship is the first step to addressing it. In this article, we will be discussing how you can identify and address co-dependency in your relationship.
Understanding Co-dependency
Co-dependency is a common pattern of behavior that often arises when an individual's self-worth and mental well-being depend on another person, such as a partner, friend, or family member. This can lead to a lack of boundaries and a feeling of being overwhelmed and overextended. Co-dependency is characterized by a chronic need for approval, a sense of guilt when not pleasing others, and a tendency to neglect one's own needs. Unfortunately, co-dependency is so prevalent in our society that, in many cases, we don't see it as a problem but rather as a part of social norms, especially concerning romantic relationships.
It's worth noting that most love songs, whether modern or have been around for over 50 years, tend to display co-dependent habits and beliefs. These habits and beliefs are often expressed through lyrics such as "I can't live without you," "You are my everything," or "I'm lost without you." While these sentiments may seem endearing, they are essentially saying that one cannot be a complete person without the presence and validation of another. This mindset can be dangerous and lead to an unhealthy co-dependency in relationships.
Identifying the Signs of Co-dependency
Recognizing co-dependency in relationships can be a complex process, marked by an intricate weave of behaviors and patterns. A fundamental characteristic is an undeniable dedication to the needs of another, often surpassing your own to the point of self-neglect. This intense commitment pairs with a deep-seated need for your another's approval, with your self-esteem primarily tied to their validation. It's not uncommon for co-dependent individuals to feel guilt-ridden if they fail to meet their loved one's needs, even when doing so is detrimental to their own well-being.
The ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries often eludes those in co-dependent relationships, creating an off-kilter dynamic where one person shoulders an undue share of responsibilities. This imbalance inevitably paves the way for resentment and eventual burnout. Moreover, co-dependent individuals might also minimize or outright ignore issues in the relationship, striving to preserve a facade of harmony. In parent-child relationships, the parent may struggle to separate their identity from the child’s.
Co-dependency also has a profound emotional aspect. It's characterized by a tendency to mirror the emotions of those one is attached to—if they're happy, you're happy; if they're upset, you're upset. There's also an underlying fear of rejection or abandonment, manifesting as clingy behavior or persisting in a relationship that no longer brings happiness.
Addressing Co-dependency
Addressing co-dependency can be a difficult and uncomfortable process, but it is necessary for a healthy and balanced relationship.
Addressing it within yourself:
Self-love is paramount when tackling co-dependent tendencies. This involves acknowledging your worth and prioritizing your needs, which may be difficult if all you have been shown and taught is conditional love. Cultivating self-love means treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and respect and realizing that worth is not something earned but innate within each of us. The journey toward overcoming co-dependency often begins here. Professional assistance can be pivotal in establishing self-love. Licensed counselors, therapists, and some coaches who specialize in co-dependency can offer you practical strategies and tools to break free from these behaviors. Implementing practices such as detaching oneself from the expectations or life of another, setting clear boundaries, focusing on your personal growth, and preserving your individuality is crucial! Transitioning from being co-dependent to independent is a process that requires time, patience, and a strong commitment, but rest assured, it is achievable.
Addressing it within others:
When addressing co-dependency in another individual, it's critical to focus on you, not them. This means instead of trying to change them or getting them to admit or accept that they are co-dependent, your goal is to effectively and compassionately express your feelings and emotions and establish clear boundaries, relinquishing any responsibility for their behaviors, feelings, and perceptive reality. When we try to tell others about their potentially problematic behaviors, these can quickly lead to dismissiveness or defensiveness that gets us nowhere.
Co-dependent or not, we've been conditioned to associate feelings and emotions with outside stimuli instead of realizing these sensory experiences are triggered by our internal interpretation of the outside world. It's critical that we take responsibility for our emotions, thoughts, and feelings and equally do not take on that of others.
We can begin to communicate this through subtle shifts in phrasing. For example, instead of saying, "What you said hurt my feelings," you might say, "I felt hurt by what you said." While these two phrases might seem to convey the same message, the first is blaming others for their feelings. Whereas the second statement is owning the feeling in response to the stimuli.
If your co-dependent partner/friend/family member says something that indicates you are responsible for their feelings or emotional pain, instead of responding in a way that takes ownership for their emotions—which is not your responsibility—such as, "I'm sorry I made you feel that I didn't love you," say instead, "I'm sorry that doing/saying ______, you interpreted that as me not loving you. Let me clarify why I did that and what I was thinking and feeling." Also, using the word 'choice' to demonstrate to others that they can decide how they want to think, feel, and behave. For example, "I'm sorry that you're choosing to interpret my response to you as _______ instead of accepting what I am trying to tell you." Remember, how you deliver this is critical. If there is a tone in your voice, it will not come across as empathetic or compassionate but potentially accusatory, condescending, or impatient.
Also, remember that just because we address something appropriately doesn't mean it will be accepted as such. If someone is convinced that their internal narrative is the truth, nothing we say or do will matter, and here is where boundaries come into play.
When establishing boundaries, it is critical that we stick to them. For instance, if you tell someone that you will not have a conversation with them when they are yelling at you, but you're happy to sit down and have a mutually respectful conversation, and if they begin to yell, you will calmly walk away and do so. Every time they raise their voice, give them a notice of your boundary. This might be calmly raising your hand to bring attention to the situation or, again, calmly saying, I am going to walk away if we can't talk without yelling. Even if they can't hear you because they are louder than you, that is okay. It's not effective to yell back at a person who is yelling. At that point, walk away.
Setting boundaries and addressing things effectively are not easy. Sometimes, it will lead the other person to follow you or attempt to harass you with constant calls, texts, etc. Again, this is where you have to draw additional boundaries and separate yourself.
The Benefits of Addressing Co-dependency
Addressing co-dependency in your relationship can lead to a deeper sense of individuality and self-esteem. By setting boundaries and taking responsibility for your own well-being, you can free yourself from the constant need for external validation and start to feel more self-assured. This, in turn, can lead to a more balanced relationship and still offer support to each other without sacrificing their own needs.
Seeking Support
Lastly, seeking support can be a beneficial step in addressing co-dependency in your relationships. A trained and well-versed mental health professional can provide valuable tools and strategies for addressing co-dependency in a healthy and constructive way.
Co-dependency can be a significant hurdle in any relationship, but it is important to recognize it early on and address it head-on to avoid further damage. Remember, a relationship is only truly successful when both parties can maintain their own individuality while supporting each other.